kneeling humbly
looking up
I’m on my knees
adoring
your lovely face
stature
and feminine grace
I fall for you
Deadpan
We were children
we were children
of children
of some other children
that were
children
of children
with parents
who are dead
and they were children
once…
not twice
My Groucho moment
I, shopping trolley
I’ve been used
I’ve been touched
I’ve been dragged
I’ve been abused
I’ve been banged
I’ve been pushed
I’ve been shoved
I’ve been fouled
I’ve been abandoned
I’ve been smashed
I’ve been sunk
I’ve been drowned
I’ve been crashed
I’ve been lonely
I’ve been found
I’ve been battered
I’ve been bound
I’ve been held
I’ve been chained
I’ve been filled
I’ve been full
I’ve been stained
I’ve been packed
I’ve been smacked
I’ve been gathered
I’ve been left
I’ve been right
I’ve been strong
all along
Murder in East Kilbride
A newlywed
was found dead in a bed,
kilt by her husband
wearing a tartan coloured red.
Her recent spouse
had drank quite a lot
and was insulted
when she called him tosspot.
He killed her
and played his pipes that night;
woke up every soul
up to Glasgow alright.
The polis got wind
of the sound of his drone:
“We’ve got you by yer testes
now your cover is blown…”
M’re people – a brief Shakespearean rant
My Groucho moment
A bit of tongue in cheek
we saw eye to eye
when she gave me mouth to mouth
and whilst we were cheek to cheek
I smiled from ear to ear
Hey Siri
Jetpacked
Help!
we are being Jetpacked
changing
from blue to green
WordPress
didn’t tell us
on that
I’m not too keen
Sometimes when one door closes in life, another door opens…
Mosquito
you pierce our skin
and create an itch
you really are
a needy bitch
Arranging my books by those I’ve never read, those l’ll never read, and those I never will have read.
My Groucho moment
Witty word: Teatotaller
/ tea-toht-ler /
noun
a person who has a strong, often uncontrollable, desire to drink tea all the time:
After buying 100 boxes of Liptons and popping the kettle on 24/7, it was determined that Mrs Drinkwater was a teatotaller.
Origin of teatotaller:
2023; poetpas©️; Modern English, based on late Middle English, based on silliness and wit.
Hey Siri
Food depression
I go to the store
I wander aimlessly
like the day before
I don’t know where to look
I don’t know what to cook
I’m not in the mood
for any boring food
I don’t want beans
or any other greens
and I do not fancy meat
I’ll get fish and chips
it might just make me happy
it shall be my treat
My Groucho moment
Boxing Day
Hurray, Hurray!
It’s Boxing Day!
All is on sale!
Come out and p(l)ay!
Thinking
I have been thinking about things
but I haven’t given it much thought
My eBooks
My Groucho moment
We are up against the wall
TikTok
tick tock
TikTok
I will bide my time
without thy foolish crock
Windows to the city
the streets
all seem in place
the buildings
stand with grace
the skyline
and the clouds
hover over
busy crowds
the people
walking by
more than plenty
catch my eye
the sound of sirens
echo dread
fetching the wounded
and the dead
the windows
to the city
make the ugly
look so pretty
My Groucho moment
Pity party
welcome
to my pity party
my endless sorrows
are nice and hearty
welcome
to my pity party
my blues
look colourful and are very arty
welcome
to my pity party
but please feel sorry
for poor me
today I may throw another
two
or maybe
even 3
Stuck behind a bloody truck
slow
slow
what the fuck
I’m stuck
behind
a bloody truck
every day
what can I say
get out my way
please go away
Thanksgiving
thanks a lot
for stuffing me,
said the turkey
to the cook
I think
it gave me the shits tho,
am I now
of the hook?
My Groucho moment
Imprints
imprints,
stuck
in their tracks,
left
a deep impression
with me
and are etched
in my memory
forever
My Groucho moment
A jolly good swear
Oh fuckitty fuck,
bullocks,
crap,
shit
and that sort of thing…
makes me happy,
sets me free,
and almost makes me sing
Eau de toilet
your wear a peculiar fragrance
it’s a particular scent I smell
I wonder if it is faeces
or if it is Chanel
My Groucho moment
Why she’s mad volume 1
My Groucho moment
History
history
lies
in books
My daily struggles with John Edgar
the wire
makes me perspire
the switch
is a bloody bitch
the bag is always full
and the smell is rather dull
it fouls
it squeaks
it howls
it reeks
Hoover I hate you!
My Groucho moment
Estate
the difference between living
in or on estate
could be £5 million
in an estate
one has the feeling
one has the whole place to oneself
whilst on an estate
we know,
and (un)willingly accept,
we all live in one house…
Unpredictable
I’m the most unpredictable twat
and I’m even unreliable at that
My Groucho moment
A very short story about a loving addict
you are the one
that I admire…
but it is a charging wire
that I require
Poetquoet
Tis my brain
always on the go
connecting dots
and wires
putting words
into my fingers
as I tap them
on my screen
tis my brain;
it can be a blessing
and it can be a pain
Hollywood hiccups: my personal annoyances
why do they always drink alcohol?
why do they always drink a lot or binge drink?
how do they become sober after one cup of coffee?
why do they always smoke (and often secretly)?
why do people who have stopped smoking always have a drag of someone’s smoke when talking outside to someone who is smoking or stopped smoking?
why do they never say (good)bye on the phone?
why do they toss bear caps everywhere except in the bin?
why have they always got the sound on on their mobiles everywhere they go?
why do they never answer them in case of an emergency?
why do they never eat or never finish what they eat when they do eat?
why do they talk when they eat and let their food go stone cold?
how come no one has to wait for a taxis? They point and one is there?
why do they always find a parking spot?
why do detectives never do any paperwork?
how come all conversations are perfect? No grammatical errors?
how come everyone leaves the hospital after they wake up?
how does a dna result come back within a day?
how come every woman has perfect hair?
why do all houses look neat?
why is it when someone holds a speech everybody listens silently?
why do people leave the house without having breakfast?
why are there never any traffic jams when there’s a car chase?
how does the right tv channel come on straight away when someone wants to see the news?
why do woman after sex always wear an oversized buttoned man’s shirt?
how can people board planes after the gate has been shut?
why do bullied kids never tell their parents what goes on?
how come cars never start when they are about to be chased?
why do high school kids look like adults?
why do cops always have bad relationships with their wives and daughters?
what or why do I care?
You lost your soul to a mobile phone
you lost your soul
to a mobile phone
but now the battery died
you feel even more alone
(Yikes! No likes!)
My Groucho moment
Straight from the horse’s mouth
I need a stable home
said the dark horse,
one where I can stand up
for myself,
get grounded
and not be stalled…
Poetquoet
Memories of a classroom: an enumeration of unforgettable odors
perspiration
pot
poo
pee
paper towels
perfume
peppermint
puke
pencils
poppers
pizza
pink erasers
crayons
chalk
and cheese
snot
from sneeze
jeez
cigarettes smoke
made me choke
coffee
tea
horny hormones
arts
and farts
soap
spilled milk
and ink
I think
glue
goo
dog shit
on my shoe
drains
fruit
stains
rubber
blubber
rank
radiators
musky books
bleach
bleechers
dirty looks
make up
teachers
airosol
alcohol
leather
mildew
stew
What about you?
My Groucho moment
Poetquoet
Love greed
if you feel
the need
to feed
your empty heart
don’t make
another
poor soul bleed
Angry towel
I guess
When we kiss
when we kiss
our tongues get tied
exchanging drool
it is sheer bliss
when we kiss
What have you done for me lately?
My Groucho moment
Matter of fact
as a matter of fact
the fact of the matter is
a matter of fact
No one gets control of my tongue
no one
gets control
of my tongue
nor my pen
in which I will stay
and happily play
A perfect (girl)friend
she don’t give a toss
nothing’s at a loss
she just takes the piss
and does it all with shameless bliss
My Groucho moment
I rest my case
Ol’ Phil
ol’ Phil
fits the bill
he’s the one
that would kill
just for a thrill
and I think
that he will
in the still
of the night
Simple bearer of wit
I am but a simple bearer of wit
I shall feed you plenty
until you’ve had enough of it
Sugar lumps
slowly they dissolve
descending into brown
spreading their sweetness
on their way down
the perfect balance
never wrong
like little white angels
peeing on your tongue
Witty word: Ohzone
Definition of ohzone
/oh-zohn/
noun
1 area that is distinguished for some purpose in which a certain amount or a degree of complacency or disregard exists or is established:
Due to his addiction to his IPhone Archibald found himself comfortably numb in his ohzone and shrugged when his mother said: “I’m leaving your dad and I’m going back to Zanzibar to move in with Darlene”
2 a place where shallow and ignorant people live:
Al and Peggy Bundy were happily living in their ohzone until uncle Ted came knocking on their door.
Origin of ohzone:
2021; poetpas ©; Modern English, based on silliness and wit.
Occupational struggles
if gold mining don’t
pan out
you just might want to become a cook
Goodbye
I have to leave
you
now
said the foetus
to the womb
I have to
cut the cord
live my life
and find
my final tomb
Elon must
Elon must
show his influence
Elon must
show his fame
Elon must
show his power
without any shame
Psalm 23:4-6 King Silly Version
4 Yay, though I walk through the valley of life, I will fear some evil: for thou art with me; but with my staff I shall hope to silence thee.
5 Though thou preparest a table before me in the presence of thy family: they anoint my mind with shallowness; my head runneth over.
6 Surely to God I hope they shan’t follow me the remaining days of my life: or I will runneth a mile to the house of spirits, and dwell within.
The coach and the roach
a holistic coach
had an odd approach
trying to solve a problem
with the use of a cockroach
it was for a penis
that wouldn’t erect
and needed a remedy
to cure the defect
the roach was placed
in the man’s underpants
with a few leaves of nettle
and a couple of ants
the gigolo said:
“Eureka! I now have an itch;
I will proceed to pander
and I shall be rich!”
Burden
it’s a burden
when you think
you’re always right
and a bigger burden still
when you realise
you are
All the little egos
all the little egos
feed
the other little egos’ egos
until they’re big…
and feed off
littler belittled egos
Dead end
if you hit
a dead end
it may just
hit you back
Netfix
you are
my daily viral drug
I use you
like a bloody mug
I shall never
let you go
but I’m also hooked
on HBO
Our demise
a dark descend
there is only fear
yet forgiveness
my dear friend
I pray
and put to rest
the beginning
of our end
Self-reflection
mirror
mirror
on the door
haven’t I seen
your ignorance
before?
Witty word: Handycap
Definition of handycap
/han-dee kap/
Noun
1 a brimless head covering with a visor, to make people (more) handy:
Jonas bought a handycap as he had two left hands. After a week he now had 2 right hands. And a handycap.
2 state of affairs whereby there is a limit to being handy:
Red thought he could just fix about any old thing but there was a handycap as to what he could mend, as he was blind as a bat.
Origin of handycap:
2021; poetpas ©; Modern English, based on silliness and wit.
This
is this
really what we want
Dear Bill
unable to cope
you hang yourself
with rope
you turn on
the gas
and let things
come to pass
or jump
in front of a train
as you can’t handle
the pain
you drive
off a cliff
but what if
you just chill
and take a pill
and make sure
you put me
in your will
or won’t
my dear Bill
I was kidding
cause I love you
in spite
of the money
you owe me
still…
We don’t always need a face
PrenUp
after
everything
fails
we still have
it all,
all the bloody details
Package holidays
package holidays
come with rain
nowadays
Death
death is part of life
the end bit
for your husband
or your wife
your father
your mother
your sister
your brother
your friends
your fiends
and those
that do not bother
Vox populi
everybody
has a voice
or an opinion
but I don’t want
to hear them all
I have my own…
that is my opinion
What do I care
what do I care
what? do I care?
You are worth the trouble
you
are worth
the trouble
you are
Everybody
everybody
wants to make a difference
but hardly anybody does
everybody
wants to be good
yet most of us feel bad
everybody
wants some change
whilst many of us fear it
everybody
wants to live
even though we die
Can’t you see
I cannot see
said the blind man
can’t you see?
It’s lack of knowledge
it’s lack
of knowledge…
I know
Two sides to every story
there’s two sides
to every story…
a beginning
and an end
When but
when you think you had enough
but you get much less
when he talks way too much
but you always digress
when you think you’ve made it
but it was never broken
when a lot is discussed
but not much outspoken
when you’re blind to everything
but can hear all the rest
when you gave her a polygraph
but you failed the test
when you think you’ve found the one
but you run into the other
when you’ve found a way out
but you just won’t bother…
g👁👁gle
we collect your browsing data
and monitor your stay
we sell it on to companies
that will haunt you every day
I spot your hormones
I spot
your hormones
I see them
in your spots
The damp of a dog turd (naughty version)
smoking hot
from ass to grass
a soft brown substance
came to pass
What a killer
what a killer
said the hunter
to his prey
I shot myself
in the foot
and I just saved your day
You are the one
you are
the one
the second
you realise
you are not
the one
Marital blitz
1 marriage
2 people
3 kids
4 pets
5 years
a lot of fights
a divorce
a shyster
plenty of money
and many many tears
Let it be heard
let it be heard
but not spoken
I want to sleep
and not be awoken
iMagine
iMagine
naming your dog
Siri
and calling him
“Hey Siri”
and iMagine
having an IPhone
Head over heels
I’d rather
you be smart
than look
like a tart
Burn your bridges
how do you burn
your bridges
if they are made
of concrete?
Beyond reasonable doubt
beyond
reasonable doubt
lies
the truth
My mostly misbehavin
I’m too tough
too rude
too rough
too weird
yet clean shaven
but they can’t deal
with me…
my mostly misbehavin
Manchester scareport
you queue
you queue
that’s all you do
they haven’t got a bloody clue
you wait
you wait
you might be late
to get in line for a busy gate
by the time
you do get through
there is yet
another queue
you queue and wait
for miles and miles
you end up nowhere
but with piles
little staff
tight security
I’m going home
I need to pee
Empty road clouds
don’t let
an empty road
cloud
your judgement
Imprisoned by propriety
trapped
by decency
piety
and a bit of moral code
you are imprisoned
by propriety…
I want to get you
out on bail
but you’re not
in the mode
April Fewl
April Fewl
was a prankster
who enjoyed
pulling legs
thinking it was cool
but came up short
when she met
her amputated man
who left her clueless
what to do
when he said:
You should’ve worn
your spectacles
before I married you…
First sun
first sun
what fun
no more depression
after spring
has sprung
april is here
flowers in gear
roses coming out
all the children
bloody shout
first sun
such fun
the rays are here
and the noise begun
Mrs Khan
Mrs Khan
had a nasty man
who hit her hard
with a frying pan
he made her weep
and make her sleep
outside with the mice
in a garbage can
she ran away
to the USA
moved to a town
it was called Bomb Bay
there she met
her soulmate me
who made her smile
and feel happy
Here lies
here lies
a liar
whom one
must admire
as he did it
for the greater good
when he told
the rapacious rotund
he could live on
without food
Wild Will
Will
hit a rock
he was insulted
by a cock
he smacked
him in the gob
for being such
a knob
Will went back
to his chair
and proceeded
to swear
all this fuss
and his cuss
cause his wife
has no hair
Don’t lose any sleep over it!
the clock
stole an hour
from our precious
sacred night
yet returned
it to our day
to bring us
longer
later
light
Look
look,
you can look
and look
and look
and look,
but if you can’t look,
look no further…
you see?
Look!
Your hairdresser
she knows
all your secrets
your ailments
and pain
she knows
you are human
and need
to complain
she listens
to the hokum
that you
wish to convey
right up to
the moment
when you
have to pay
No fly zone
a fly
couldn’t fly
in a zone
of his own
so he disguised himself
as a book
but his cover was blown
Keeping up appearances
“Fuck it”
said Hyacinth
to her husband Clive
lets use a Bucket
and go for a sex drive
A short story about a lazy bum
he was a bum
and couldn’t be arsed
with shit
this was the story…
that’s pretty much (w)it
Entrapped
entrapped
by your need
you feed
your greed
so I plead
you free yourself
in deed
agreed?
I will kill you with kindness
I will kill you
with kindness
to blow away
your blindness
so you can see
how much
you(re) mean
to me
I am groovy
I am groovy
I have a story to tell
and I know my lines
Have you heard the news
have you heard the news?
it’s about history repeating itself,
repeatedly…
Too bad
you are too good
to be too good
which is too bad
Reading
reading
keeps me from writing
and it’s not
all that exciting
reading my writing
Comment clan
can I join
your comment clan?
I will be your biggest fan!
only nice things I shall write;
nothing critical
if that’s alright…
Spare change
spare change;
leave it be…
A post from Mortem
“I’ve been
to hell and back…
I’m dying to know
the results of my autopsy”
~Mortem
A nightmare
I had a dream
about a dream
about a dream
about a dream
the latter was
about waking up
If you can’t get what you want
if you can’t get
what you want
have it delivered
Daily answers of an indecisive and deliberately forgetful partner
yes
no
maybe
sure
yes
no
maybe not.
I’ll think about it
I’m not sure
I think I have forgot.
Basket case
When you’re always searching for something…
Mr Gullible
Mr Gullible
believed every little thing
was true
he believed
that every Indian
was a Sioux
every fuck
a screw
and semen
was glue
every lawyer
named Sue
all faeces
smelled of poo
every Monday
was blue
he could dance
in a canoe
karate
was Kung fu
instead of
Judo
or Jiu Jitsu
that Google
was Yahoo
dementia
deja vu
his expire
overdue
had to pee
at Waterloo
that Tim lived
in Buktu
all he made was gross
revenue
every street
an avenue
any woodland
caribou
and every rat
a kangaroo
a cock
a doodle-doo
every peek
a boo
Bart
was Holomew
Mr Gullible
believed every little thing
was true
Shhhhhecret
a secret
should be kept a secret
or else
it wouldn’t be a secret
this is a shhhhhecret!
There is no perfect parent
there is no perfect parent
in the eyes of a child
unless you’re exceptionally mild
or unexpectedly wild
Simply complex
I love
the simplicity
of complexity
simply
complex
To be Frank
to be Frank
I wish my parents
had called me Hank
Still water
still water
is water still
Confined to your expectancy
I am bound
to all what I say
and all that I don’t
I am confined
to your expectancy
my ass is owned
2222
200 hundred
years later
I found out
I am immortal,
rebellious,
challenging minds
and still a debater…
Reincarnation
I am part of the few
that came before me
Mr Frost – by John Cooper Clarke
whilst decorating his tree
Mr Frost felt the need for a pee.
He fell off the ladder
and emptied his bladder…
on the newly delivered settee
Gambling
I bet
I’ll bet
albeit
I’ll gamble
it
all
all away
even the money
I told you
not to give
me
anyway
Bush fix
be cautious with shears
watch out thee don’t botch
trim thy pubes well
to neaten thy crotch
Keep thy wig on
keep thy wig on
and get out of my hair
I am bald you see
it just isn’t fair…
Continues drizzle
gently
steadily
drip drip drip…
I may
just have
another kip
Cry me a river
cry me a river
and take me to the ocean
I will break the dam
to set things in motion
We are expected
we are expected
to listen well
we are expected
to always tell
we are expected
to be good
we are expected
to eat our food
we are expected
to behave
we are expected
to be brave
we are expected
to be smart
we are expected
not to fart
we are expected
to be fine
we are expected
to stay in line
we are expected
to be kind
we are expected
to be refined
we are expected
to always care
we are expected
to be there
we are expected
to be on time
but I may show up a little later
as I am in need
of committing a crime
Socks 🧦
always missing
always lost,
always missing
always lost
Kindred spirits
we are kind
red spirits
we are wine
you can drink us
and feel mighty fine
Recollect correctly
If I can recollect correctly
I correctly recollect
I have the hots for you
I have the hots
for you
said the stove
to the pan
I may turn up
the heat,
at least
that is the plan…
Witty word: Sweatheart
Definition for sweatheart
/ swet-hahrt /
Noun
1 either of a pair of lovers in relation to the other whereby one or both smell(s) of BO.
2 an affectionate or familiar term of address when hinting someone needs a shower:
“Hello sweathard, I can tell you’ve been to the gym”.
Informal.
a smelly friendly person.
Origin of sweatheart:
2021; poetpas; Modern English, based on late Middle English
Over time
over time
the numbers
on the clock
grey my hair
lower my scrotum
and shrivel my cock
No words
A Nonymous
A Nonymous
was a shy young man
who came up
with a perfect plan
bought a cabin
in the boonies
to keep away
from all the looneys
glued his postbox
shut the blinds
build a fence
and planted mines
he removed himself
from internet
and stayed at home
all day in bed
turned his phone off
night and day
and put a sign up:
“Stay Away!!”
I see something in your eyes
I see
something
in your eyes
the longing
for me
and greasy fries
I see
something
in your eyes
your pupils
and thighs enlarge
devouring pies
Oh well
Oh well,
Oh well
you dwell
and live to tell…
You can keep me
you can keep me
forever
in your imagination
but reality
requires a tad more
moderation
Equal rights and equal fights
yes
no
right
left
yin
yang
black
white
you are wrong
and I am right
or vice versa
we shall argue
we shall fight
peace ✌🏻
Why have I got to be me
why have I got to be me
I didn’t get to choose you see
now I’ve got to live with myself
and I shall never be free
Get out!
all is quiet
but for the noise
that you make
and you should
play outside
girls and boys
Get out!
iPhones aren’t toys
Apathy
it’s a coming
and going
of ignorance
and not knowing
Go with the flow
go with the flow
said one tumbleweed
to the other
let the wind carry us far
so let’s rock and roll
my dear brother
Are you for real?
lashes spiky
mascara
oh crikey
eyeliner
foundation
plug the pores
my the frustration
fillers
botox
eye shadow
detox
concealer
maybe revealer
highlighter
tweezer
curler
clipper
hair must die
I wonder why
blush
what’s the (b)rush
lipstick fails
acrylic nails
polish
remover
wax
to the max
primer
for the old timer
injectictables
rejectables
enhancements
enchantments
extensions
rejuvenation
exaggeration
contouring
a lift
purity adrift
liposuction
fat abduction
laser
surgery
a trending spree
spray tan
yes you can
tummy tuck
what the fuck…
Marital bliss
1 marriage
2 people
3 kids
4 pets
5 years
a lot of fights
a divorce
a scheister
plenty of money
and many tears
Acknowledgement of my disapproval
I may
not like
what you like
Novel idea
I have a novel idea….
I may write a book
Death becomes us
death
becomes us
after it
became life
Who cares
who cares
who knows
I care
and I know
but who cares
There is no sense
there is no sense in what we do
we often do not have a clue
our mere existence is overdue
and we must admit we never knew
A feeder’s dielemma
I dread
the day you die
as I cannot live
without you Lulu
the thought
just makes me cry
I dread
the way you die
I don’t want
to see you suffer
you deserve
another pie
A willing slave
I shall listen
I shall stay
I shall be (a) patient
I shall obey
I shall comply
I shall behave
I shall be weak
a willing slave
When not all of your fingers work anymore
Little one
little one
on her arm
her nana
meant no harm
when she dropped her
on the floor
when granddad
opened the door
little one
broken in two
nana clueless
what to do
granddad said
I’ll fix her up
I’ll just get
some super glue
Everyone is bored and boring
nobody is crazy anymore
except the crazy
nobody is wild anymore
except the wild
everybody does the same things
every day
everyone sits
in the same chair hooray!
everybody wants change
but fears it more
everyone plays it safe
except the reckless
everyone wants to be happy
all the time
but wanting to be happy
is simply fearing to lose control
everyone wants the best
for the rest
except the selfish
and the ignorant souls
everyone is bored
and boring
how predictable
how adoring…(not)
I can’t stand the stupid
I can’t stand
the stupid
but I can sympathise
with the simple…
maybe…
Confessions of a narcissistic mother
after reviewing my recent reflections
I can’t recall the alienation
of my children’s affections
I don’t want a jab
I don’t want a jab
said the balloon to the nurse
I don’t think it will help me;
in fact it’s a curse
and God said…
and God said…
no wait,
man said
and God said…
Dating profile
sell yourself
love for sale
best face forward
even tho
it looks pale
extroverted smile
front page
promoted
read all about it
false love devoted
Shame that you are married
it’s a shame
that you are married
because I can’t
divorce you now
Running Errand 🏃
Errand
was aroused
and running
from his duties
through and to
a red light
to meet up
with some beauties
when he saw
what he had spent
he soon came
to his senses
Errand chose
to rob the bank
to cover
his expenses
Nothing gets past us
nothing gets past us…
except the future
Say cheese!
Say cheese!
said the girl
to the parrot
and the parrot said:
Say cheese!
A wasp 🐝
a wasp
can’t help
being a wasp
and neither can Sting
I have my wits about me
I have my wits about me,
hence I put them to words
A very short story about a man who thought he would live forever
He died.