I, shopping trolley

I’ve been used
I’ve been touched
I’ve been dragged
I’ve been abused
I’ve been banged
I’ve been pushed
I’ve been shoved
I’ve been fouled
I’ve been abandoned
I’ve been smashed
I’ve been sunk
I’ve been drowned
I’ve been crashed
I’ve been lonely
I’ve been found
I’ve been battered
I’ve been bound
I’ve been held
I’ve been chained
I’ve been filled
I’ve been full
I’ve been stained
I’ve been packed
I’ve been smacked
I’ve been gathered
I’ve been left
I’ve been right
I’ve been strong
all along

Murder in East Kilbride

A newlywed
was found dead in a bed,
kilt by her husband
wearing a tartan coloured red.

Her recent spouse
had drank quite a lot
and was insulted
when she called him tosspot.

He killed her
and played his pipes that night;
woke up every soul
up to Glasgow alright.

The polis got wind
of the sound of his drone:
“We’ve got you by yer testes
now your cover is blown…”

Witty word: Teatotaller

/ tea-toht-ler /

noun

a person who has a strong, often uncontrollable, desire to drink tea all the time:
After buying 100 boxes of Liptons and popping the kettle on 24/7, it was determined that Mrs Drinkwater was a teatotaller.

Origin of teatotaller:
2023; poetpas©️; Modern English, based on late Middle English, based on silliness and wit.

Food depression

I go to the store
I wander aimlessly
like the day before

I don’t know where to look
I don’t know what to cook
I’m not in the mood
for any boring food

I don’t want beans
or any other greens
and I do not fancy meat

I’ll get fish and chips
it might just make me happy
it shall be my treat

Windows to the city

the streets
all seem in place
the buildings
stand with grace

the skyline
and the clouds
hover over
busy crowds

the people
walking by
more than plenty
catch my eye

the sound of sirens
echo dread
fetching the wounded
and the dead

the windows
to the city
make the ugly
look so pretty

Pity party

welcome
to my pity party
my endless sorrows
are nice and hearty

welcome
to my pity party
my blues
look colourful and are very arty

welcome
to my pity party
but please feel sorry
for poor me

today I may throw another
two
or maybe
even 3

Thanksgiving

thanks a lot
for stuffing me,
said the turkey
to the cook

I think
it gave me the shits tho,
am I now
of the hook?

Estate

the difference between living
in or on estate
could be £5 million

in an estate
one has the feeling
one has the whole place to oneself

whilst on an estate
we know,
and (un)willingly accept,
we all live in one house…

Hollywood hiccups: my personal annoyances

why do they always drink alcohol?
why do they always drink a lot or binge drink?
how do they become sober after one cup of coffee?
why do they always smoke (and often secretly)?
why do people who have stopped smoking always have a drag of someone’s smoke when talking outside to someone who is smoking or stopped smoking?
why do they never say (good)bye on the phone?
why do they toss bear caps everywhere except in the bin?
why have they always got the sound on on their mobiles everywhere they go?
why do they never answer them in case of an emergency?
why do they never eat or never finish what they eat when they do eat?
why do they talk when they eat and let their food go stone cold?
how come no one has to wait for a taxis? They point and one is there?
why do they always find a parking spot?
why do detectives never do any paperwork?
how come all conversations are perfect? No grammatical errors?
how come everyone leaves the hospital after they wake up?
how does a dna result come back within a day?
how come every woman has perfect hair?
why do all houses look neat?
why is it when someone holds a speech everybody listens silently?
why do people leave the house without having breakfast?
why are there never any traffic jams when there’s a car chase?
how does the right tv channel come on straight away when someone wants to see the news?
why do woman after sex always wear an oversized buttoned man’s shirt?
how can people board planes after the gate has been shut?
why do bullied kids never tell their parents what goes on?
how come cars never start when they are about to be chased?
why do high school kids look like adults?
why do cops always have bad relationships with their wives and daughters?
what or why do I care?

Memories of a classroom: an enumeration of unforgettable odors

perspiration
pot
poo
pee
paper towels
perfume
peppermint
puke
pencils
poppers
pizza
pink erasers
crayons
chalk
and cheese
snot
from sneeze
jeez
cigarettes smoke
made me choke
coffee
tea
horny hormones
arts
and farts
soap
spilled milk
and ink
I think
glue
goo
dog shit
on my shoe
drains
fruit
stains
rubber
blubber
rank
radiators
musky books
bleach
bleechers
dirty looks
make up
teachers
airosol
alcohol
leather
mildew
stew
What about you?

Ol’ Phil

ol’ Phil
fits the bill
he’s the one
that would kill
just for a thrill
and I think
that he will
in the still
of the night

Sugar lumps

slowly they dissolve
descending into brown
spreading their sweetness
on their way down

the perfect balance
never wrong
like little white angels
peeing on your tongue

Witty word: Ohzone

Definition of ohzone
/oh-zohn/

noun
1 area that is distinguished for some purpose in which a certain amount or a degree of complacency or disregard exists or is established:
Due to his addiction to his IPhone Archibald found himself comfortably numb in his ohzone and shrugged when his mother said: “I’m leaving your dad and I’m going back to Zanzibar to move in with Darlene”

2 a place where shallow and ignorant people live:
Al and Peggy Bundy were happily living in their ohzone until uncle Ted came knocking on their door.

Origin of ohzone:
2021; poetpas ©; Modern English, based on silliness and wit.

Psalm 23:4-6 King Silly Version

4 Yay, though I walk through the valley of life, I will fear some evil: for thou art with me; but with my staff I shall hope to silence thee.

5 Though thou preparest a table before me in the presence of thy family: they anoint my mind with shallowness; my head runneth over.

6 Surely to God I hope they shan’t follow me the remaining days of my life: or I will runneth a mile to the house of spirits, and dwell within.

The coach and the roach

a holistic coach
had an odd approach
trying to solve a problem
with the use of a cockroach

it was for a penis
that wouldn’t erect
and needed a remedy
to cure the defect

the roach was placed
in the man’s underpants
with a few leaves of nettle
and a couple of ants

the gigolo said:
“Eureka! I now have an itch;
I will proceed to pander
and I shall be rich!”

Witty word: Handycap

Definition of handycap
/han-dee kap/

Noun
1 a brimless head covering with a visor, to make people (more) handy:
Jonas bought a handycap as he had two left hands. After a week he now had 2 right hands. And a handycap.

2 state of affairs whereby there is a limit to being handy:
Red thought he could just fix about any old thing but there was a handycap as to what he could mend, as he was blind as a bat.

Origin of handycap:
2021; poetpas ©; Modern English, based on silliness and wit.

Dear Bill

unable to cope
you hang yourself
with rope
you turn on
the gas
and let things
come to pass
or jump
in front of a train
as you can’t handle
the pain
you drive
off a cliff

but what if
you just chill
and take a pill
and make sure
you put me
in your will
or won’t
my dear Bill
I was kidding
cause I love you
in spite
of the money
you owe me
still…

Death

death is part of life
the end bit
for your husband
or your wife

your father
your mother
your sister
your brother

your friends
your fiends
and those
that do not bother

Everybody

everybody
wants to make a difference
but hardly anybody does

everybody
wants to be good
yet most of us feel bad

everybody
wants some change
whilst many of us fear it

everybody
wants to live
even though we die

When but

when you think you had enough
but you get much less
when he talks way too much
but you always digress

when you think you’ve made it
but it was never broken
when a lot is discussed
but not much outspoken

when you’re blind to everything
but can hear all the rest
when you gave her a polygraph
but you failed the test

when you think you’ve found the one
but you run into the other
when you’ve found a way out
but you just won’t bother…

Manchester scareport

you queue
you queue
that’s all you do
they haven’t got a bloody clue

you wait
you wait
you might be late
to get in line for a busy gate

by the time
you do get through
there is yet
another queue

you queue and wait
for miles and miles
you end up nowhere
but with piles

little staff
tight security
I’m going home
I need to pee

April Fewl

April Fewl
was a prankster
who enjoyed
pulling legs
thinking it was cool
but came up short
when she met
her amputated man
who left her clueless
what to do
when he said:
You should’ve worn
your spectacles
before I married you…

First sun

first sun
what fun
no more depression
after spring
has sprung

april is here
flowers in gear
roses coming out
all the children
bloody shout

first sun
such fun
the rays are here
and the noise begun

Mrs Khan

Mrs Khan
had a nasty man
who hit her hard
with a frying pan

he made her weep
and make her sleep
outside with the mice
in a garbage can

she ran away
to the USA
moved to a town
it was called Bomb Bay

there she met
her soulmate me
who made her smile
and feel happy

Wild Will

Will
hit a rock
he was insulted
by a cock
he smacked
him in the gob
for being such
a knob

Will went back
to his chair
and proceeded
to swear
all this fuss
and his cuss
cause his wife
has no hair

Your hairdresser

she knows
all your secrets
your ailments
and pain

she knows
you are human
and need
to complain

she listens
to the hokum
that you
wish to convey

right up to
the moment
when you
have to pay

No fly zone

a fly
couldn’t fly
in a zone
of his own
so he disguised himself
as a book
but his cover was blown

Comment clan

can I join
your comment clan?
I will be your biggest fan!

only nice things I shall write;
nothing critical
if that’s alright…

Mr Gullible

Mr Gullible
believed every little thing
was true

he believed
that every Indian
was a Sioux
every fuck
a screw
and semen
was glue
every lawyer
named Sue
all faeces
smelled of poo
every Monday
was blue
he could dance
in a canoe
karate
was Kung fu
instead of
Judo
or Jiu Jitsu
that Google
was Yahoo
dementia
deja vu
his expire
overdue
had to pee
at Waterloo
that Tim lived
in Buktu
all he made was gross
revenue
every street
an avenue
any woodland
caribou
and every rat
a kangaroo
a cock
a doodle-doo
every peek
a boo
Bart
was Holomew

Mr Gullible
believed every little thing
was true

We are expected

we are expected
to listen well
we are expected
to always tell
we are expected
to be good
we are expected
to eat our food
we are expected
to behave
we are expected
to be brave
we are expected
to be smart
we are expected
not to fart
we are expected
to be fine
we are expected
to stay in line
we are expected
to be kind
we are expected
to be refined
we are expected
to always care
we are expected
to be there
we are expected
to be on time
but I may show up a little later
as I am in need
of committing a crime

Witty word: Sweatheart

Definition for sweatheart
/ swet-hahrt /

Noun
1 either of a pair of lovers in relation to the other whereby one or both smell(s) of BO.

2 an affectionate or familiar term of address when hinting someone needs a shower:
“Hello sweathard, I can tell you’ve been to the gym”.

Informal.
a smelly friendly person.

Origin of sweatheart:
2021; poetpas; Modern English, based on late Middle English

A Nonymous

A Nonymous
was a shy young man
who came up
with a perfect plan

bought a cabin
in the boonies
to keep away
from all the looneys

glued his postbox
shut the blinds
build a fence
and planted mines

he removed himself
from internet
and stayed at home
all day in bed

turned his phone off
night and day
and put a sign up:
“Stay Away!!”

Are you for real?

lashes spiky
mascara
oh crikey
eyeliner
foundation
plug the pores
my the frustration
fillers
botox
eye shadow
detox
concealer
maybe revealer
highlighter
tweezer
curler
clipper
hair must die
I wonder why
blush
what’s the (b)rush
lipstick fails
acrylic nails
polish
remover
wax
to the max
primer
for the old timer
injectictables
rejectables
enhancements
enchantments
extensions
rejuvenation
exaggeration
contouring
a lift
purity adrift
liposuction
fat abduction
laser
surgery
a trending spree
spray tan
yes you can
tummy tuck
what the fuck…

Little one

little one
on her arm
her nana
meant no harm
when she dropped her
on the floor
when granddad
opened the door

little one
broken in two
nana clueless
what to do
granddad said
I’ll fix her up
I’ll just get
some super glue

Everyone is bored and boring

nobody is crazy anymore
except the crazy
nobody is wild anymore
except the wild

everybody does the same things
every day
everyone sits
in the same chair hooray!

everybody wants change
but fears it more
everyone plays it safe
except the reckless

everyone wants to be happy
all the time
but wanting to be happy
is simply fearing to lose control

everyone wants the best
for the rest
except the selfish
and the ignorant souls

everyone is bored
and boring
how predictable
how adoring…(not)

Running Errand 🏃

Errand
was aroused
and running
from his duties
through and to
a red light
to meet up
with some beauties

when he saw
what he had spent
he soon came
to his senses
Errand chose
to rob the bank
to cover
his expenses